I am currently laying in bed stuffing my face with some kettle chips made in avocado oil. I bought them yesterday and ate half the bag as I walked home from work. Walking took an hour and it was a good time to walk. There was a nice breeze and the sun was setting. I got home, took a shower, and went straight in the bed.
     This morning I made myself a bowl of honey nut o’s cereal to be on time for the 11:30 A.M. online church service. I didn't set my alarm and slept about 12 hours. I think I deserve the extra sleep time after cashiering all week during the pandemic. I have also been in a lot of pain this week from my chipped tooth that I need to get pulled. I haven't had the money to take care of it. It’s a year and a half past its due date. To go to the dentist right now means I would have to get virus tested before even getting seen. God knows I’m not into it. I pray that God gives me the strength to carry on and survive this mess. My two weeks stay cation went really fast. I enjoyed it minus all the worries about the future.  I needed that time as a refresh yet I wish I had more time minus the worries of course.  I want to work from home on good terms.  I want to focus on my passions in life.  ​

     This is Malibu the Maltipoo after her bath I gave her today.  She looks rather sleepy after resisting me grooming her for roughly an hour.  She's almost 10 years old. She is quite the handful. She has always gotten into messes, begs for food, steals food, and resists every routine.  If I pull her one direction she goes the other direction. If she doesn't get a snack she pees. Disobedience has been the norm for her. It's really sad. Maybe if she were more obedient I would take her on outings more often. She is blessed to have a patient and loving owner like myself. She thinks she owns me and doesn't even greet me when I come home from work. It's okay though. She's cute and licks me sometimes...even if it is just for food.  She's my fur baby and I love her. 

     I was walking back from the plant store to my job. I had my rolling shopping cart with me. I bought it just in case they didn't let people use the roads during mandatory social distancing.. In it I carried 3 bags of organic growing soil, 3 African marigold potted flowers, a seed starting plastic tray, and a few plastic pots. I have been obsessively trying to secure my food supply. I may not be able to change what is going on right now, but maybe I can control obtaining my own food by growing it. After all, who knows what is coming. It all feels so out of my control. I'm praying that God will blesses my garden. I was trying to make it to my moms car before 12 and I had about 20 minutes to 12. My mom and I work at the same place and share our car. My mom likes to take breaks in the car and I needed to give her the key.
     I turn my head to the right and I see a line of cars wrapped around the corner. I remembered that the thrift shop is located there. "Is this a testing center?" I wonder to myself. I also remembered that the thrift shop is also a food pantry. It was such a long line of cars. I dropped my shopping cart on the pavement. There was a. woman sitting on the grass with a guitar and her toddler age daughter. She strummed and sang to the Lord. "Jesus, Jesus...You make the darkness tremble. Jesus, Jesus...You silence fear." Immediately after I heard her singing I bursted to tears and I wept hard. In that moment I felt the power of Jesus. I'm used to going to church every Sunday and I haven't heard someone worshiping the Lord in person in over a month. I felt the presence of God. Sometimes I sing to the Lord, but I never weep at the sound of my own singing. Sometimes I sing at work, but only when I'm alone and nobody can hear me.  I also felt an overwhelming gratefulness for still having a job right now when so many people have lost their's. I'm not proud, but I have no choice. I am exposed to many people working at a grocery store. I just feel so grateful for not having to wait for food at a food pantry. I am not above it. I have had to do it before. It's important to be grateful for where you are at in life.  Nobody can truly compare their own journey to your journey.  

To sacrifice for another human being or for God is the definition of love. 
     
     I bought 4 pairs of heels and wore a pair every Sunday to church for 3 months to try to train my feet into getting used to pain. I tried to impress you because you are much taller than me. I ended up getting a pinched nerve in my leg which I had for a while.  I fasted for 21 days in January with my church. On the 21st day, I went to church with heels even though you told me you wanted to “just be friends” because you couldn’t bring yourself to sacrifice for me. A girl with bound feet and tied hands. I want to be with someone who is able to look past my flaws and see me for who I am inside.  It’s funny how initially after seeing my feet you told me it was a problem like a joke and then you tried to take it back like I am “made in the image of God.” You are right because God made my feet to grow in crooked by genetics and not from my own negligence. I take care of myself. The next day you were done with me. 


     They laid hands on the congregation with oil after 21 days. Immediately after they anointed my head the nerve pain in my leg never came back. You never came back to love me either. My moms 15 year old stick shift Scion XA died that same day. The next day we received one of the things we had been fasting for. A new car that she can actually teach me how to drive in. She never wanted to teach me in the old stick shift car for fears that I would roll back off a cliff in California. Even though I say to her “I can do anything that you can do. Please teach me.” I have no family around to teach me either. I respect my mother and I sacrifice for her. So when you broke my heart, with me my feet were bound and my hands were tied.  I spent all of February in mourning and studying my driving manual to progress. Now I finally have a car to drive in. 

     When March rolled around all I could think about was this virus and being exposed to it through my “essential job”. They shut everything down. They shut the DMV down...They shut attending church down...but they didn’t shut my faith down...Neither did you my friend.

Jesus please take the wheel. 

​To Be Continued....

     I do not think that any culture is responsible for these current events in Spring 2020. I think it was satan, but Jesus has conquered the grave. Love will win over hate. Truth will be exposed over lies. Remember: If we could only narrow it down to one or two people who are responsible, Jesus still died and sacrificed for them too. Regardless if you feel like it was intentional or by accident, I do not believe in accidents or coincidences. The only reason I am interested in the past is to know what I've got to do to be prepared for whatever comes my way from this point forward. We've got to move on and move up and progress at some point. When I was a child I would trust everything that was told to me and when I became an adult I learned to ask questions and seek the truth for myself. God is in control. Some people ask "Why would God let this happen?" There is a reason and a purpose for everything. Now there are families calling each other, pollution in Los Angeles is decreasing, and I've started my own balcony garden. You can only control your own actions in response to uncertainty. An earthly death is not the end of it all. Focus on your relationship with your Creator, Living like Jesus, and finding peace through His Holy Spirit. 
​​-@CurlyDollTati